Communications involving the people monitoring me in private etc. are all too often of an unwanted quality in this already dejected life.

They got so self-righteous, uncaring, selfish, out-of-control, and authoritarian, that they showed a European Late Baby Boomer lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a relationship with hurting me following them, like putting down a tube into green boiling liquid, like it didn't matter and there's some explanation in the end, as usual.  I was just thinking about it, so they wasted my time to have to post about their echoing my thoughts again just for something to do.  It seems someone thinks I'm worthless, so they decided to use that as an excuse.

They acted like I'm in a cage and they just casually said in their current popular mood, "No, too bad," and left like it was nothing.

They are trying to make me deal with something like a problem a lot and make it not go away.

They were taken aback because I have a range of moods for a range of situations.  So, they did it again.

Edited Post

link

The people monitoring me in private, after some people said something questionable, randomly tapped in like I'm nothing and interrupted me, like I've done something by posting my problems here yesterday, and now it's hard for me to focus on something.

I'm already very miserable and feel so bad emotionally and psychologically.

It looks like they messed up my life, and honestly who wants people who do ruin my life?

They said because they're easily pissed off for no reason that now the Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with gets inappropriately stimulated in public from time to time and people feel it.  This didn't happen before.

They keep acting like it's okay.

They are hurting me in more aways.

The people monitoring me in private popped up saying a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with was like them acting tippy like I "did something" and she was so stimulated by someone she could not do anything again.

They just want to goof around and ruin my life.

They keep making me take things in stride.

This is the first time they said an European Late Baby Boomer lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with was stimulated so she can't do anything and that if she sees someone she will do this.

I have decided the people at the group home are mean to me.

I suspect people are tagging onto a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with to make problems worse, when she's not some weirdo.

It seems like they have a problem and if I do anything that displeases them or seems like an issue, they pop up later like they're answering me and bringing it up as a topic in an annoying action, like it's my life's cycle ... and, if others make it a big deal or I post about it or something, there comes another problem.  People make a big deal of it but usually keep disagreeing.

The people monitoring me in private keep coming back to bother me and don't focus.

The people in this group home keep messing with me, too.

Boy, the people monitoring me in private don't take my life seriously and won't stop being mean to me and ruining it for me and with the Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

Someone keeps bombarding me that I'm not good enough, like I wasn't the same as a baby or if I'm only around certain people I can't be around others etc.

They wait for something big and then do something to ruin my life or the Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, saying it's because I posted here or something.

I notice they trail me like my relatives do with their kids when I did nothing wrong.

They're acting coy again like I posted a lot of frustration here and I must be punished.

They went and ruined my life just like that because it's not the goal I have the problems I just posted.  I'm supposed to bring it "in stride."

I tried to deal with something, but I was bothered more and it is a real problem.

The people in charge aren't "competent" enough and have helped ruin the world.

They also act like they have to do something she does that makes it seem humiliating because people question her just because she's so special to me and want to be involved with her too and act like she's different in an inappropriately stimulating way.

They say because my dad said something his mom blurted out that it has to be true, like he said, used often, that if something happens around something "why, then, it must be related."

Would you say my life is already ruined enough?

They keep acting like a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" if she thinks something they make it worse against me, "just to be safe" and ... just to "have something to do" to bother me.

They are extending a problem, acting like I was the one who behaved inappropriately.

I want to get out of this group home soon, but they want to say then that they messed up my life first.

They keep acting like they can't control their thoughts and problems to me.

They keep making me take their sworn problems for me in stride throughout the days, and I can't keep up and post them all here.

They say a nice Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with "turned on me."

The people monitoring me in private keep acting like they're acting me out as being tacky and submissive.  It just seems to go off.

The people monitoring me in private keep telling me how I am and staring me down.

They threaten to do that with a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

They have wasted my life.  They think it's okay.

The people monitoring me in private won't stop trying to tell me I will think of things I don't like at certain times.

The people monitoring me in private keep having problems.

It's like they were lying and my problems won't be solved.

I keep feeling like feelings and dispositions are being forced on me, like I'm not "that good."

They just keep making it worse like they're sure they have to win, when it's particularly "unintelligent" or "stupid" in vital ways.

If I post here, they apparently are beginning to say they are torturing a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

Why would anyone want to deal with some of these things in certain ways?  It's like my life is on a track of some sort, in a partially annoying way.  People keep coming up with "a gift" to suggest new things to criticize my life about...

I keep getting messages that people are doing mean things to me, but they fizzle out, claiming it was a group effort and all the people involved individually are innocent.

People like to mess with me and tell me what I was just like, too, pretending.

It seems that people who are older than me like to hunt me down with seemingly complex messages and torment me to follow and deal with each message.

They acted like I wasn't good enough for some people and that I can only affect certain people, meaning I'm of some lower caliber in their fantasy.

When I post here, they want the last word and for me to take all these problems in stride.

Apparently, someone "has" to say something and wants to torment me and "put me in my place" like I was spoiled or "just lucky."

I was upset in general being mistreated also in excess by those around me, and they said I did something wrong.  I was also being tormented by those around me.

I'm happy I can move out of this group home it seems.

Things aren't okay now after all, and I keep being bothered by them.

I had a problem, and it kept bothering me, and because I was upset by people around me in general tormenting me, they said they changed the message like they were holding me under terms and conditions.

They keep digging into me unwelcome like I want these people to get close to me like that.

I'm already 35, and a lot of people "don't care about" my life.

They've apparently taken time out of life to hunt me down in the end, causing problems supposedly they were just trying to solve, but it's been 16 years.

A lot of suggestive things are getting by me.

They've gotten people involved in the game, dumping problems on me, like I have nothing better to do.  These problems lag onto me.

They can't figure out how to get their own act together about me.

They keep tipping situations at me like I have to play with them as an insult in part and ruining my life.

Well, now they are messing with how I play the violin, and of course they're just staring me down all the time, like that's all I need and this is the life.

I already know, they will think something stupid like, "Hm, Christina displayed more frustration, let's make it worse as punishment because I can't handle my own life if something wasn't perfect it must have been her 'bad.'"

I do know, I was upset about a lagging nuisance, and the people I saw turned it into a big deal.  It's like I'm just being laughed at by those responsible, while my life is ruined.

They think I owe them everything for monitoring me in private.

What did the police do?

They keep hinting that they torture a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

They keep acting like someone pops up and I lost my relationship with that lady.

They are holding me responsible for others's actions.

I'm trying to rest in bed on my laptop, and they won't stop bothering me and bringing up the maybe English-Australian lady.  I have things to do and not just sit around and do this.

I showed physical anger in private in proximity to something to do with a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with and cars outside in Orlando said someone's name then, and now it gets brought up to me to punish me, indefinitely.

They keep tormenting me in bed.  Where can I turn to?

So, I found this maybe English-Australian lady who seemed kinda cool, but now they remind me of her a lot... and ruining a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady.

They also act like if I post here, they have to ruin the Late Baby Boomer European lady.

I've managed to feel better, but it's still bad and I'm trying to get out of this group home.

I was feeling bad in a certain way, and the people monitoring me in private just clicked a button like I was trash to transfer me to a maybe English-Australian lady.  They won't stop promoting her to me with pleasure because they are or pretend they are fat Italian-American ladies.  They are ruining a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady.  Everyone is freaking out like it's over all the time.

The people monitoring me in private have burst out that it's not about them and so did their dirt and then got to let it out and get their way and ruin my life. 

They won't stop complicating my life and playing mind games, in ways just to stall hopefully living an okay life without their problems getting in my way indefinitely.

Because I accidentally thought they sucked and still made myself feel happy a certain way, they act like I won't really see the real European Late Baby Boomer lady for who she is, like she's someone else and not connecting to me as her.

They keep acting like someone is around as a punishment for being happy in a certain way after I accidentally thought the people monitoring me in private sucked.

Stuck With Them

The people monitoring me in private keep ruining everything, acting all confident and energized and in control but like they're ticked at me for not thinking I deserve to be abused indefinitely and maybe because I was fed up with them when they are so mean if any little thing goes wrong and because of it showed physical anger in private in proximity of something to do with a European Late Baby Boomer lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

Like the Orlando area, the Cleveland area knows about her and keeps thinking about her.

She was gonna make me feel better, but Cleveland tortured her because I masturbated.

I am having a hard time feeling like living, and I just get beat by the people monitoring me in private, like they're cornering me and shouting out excuses that the lady did it, like it has to satisfy them.  They use special tactics supposedly from Ellen DeGeneres, like they get by without getting in trouble.  They don't feel guilty.  They must be racist, too, and act like fat Italian ladies with problems.

A New Weapon of Choice

They keep attacking me and a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady because I thought that they sucked when upset sorta by accident and I still made myself feel better in a certain way.  Usually, they just kinda go through what happens with me, but now they think they're cracking down.

Is my life gonna be okay?

The people monitoring me in private just keep getting worse, and it was supposed to get better.

I know things took off bad when I showed physical signs of anger in private in proximity of something to do with a Late Boomer European lady I was supposedly supposed to have a relationship with, back in February.

Also, they keep bringing up an English-Australian lady I found in October.

I think some of the Cleveland, Ohio area has lost it.

Supposedly,  a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with cared about me but was tortured.

They won't stop adding more things, I can hear faintly from my room.

I heard the cars outside staring her down until she feels something they tell her to.

It seems they will continue to irritate her.

I was in some pain while I thought they shouldn't be mean to me as the only excuse not to be mean to a European Late Baby Boomer lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.  I faintly heard cars outside saying she would think of something at the age someone relayed I'd die, like 103.  They try to make me think of things at certain times, so I see they went out and wouldn't stop.

These problems have been going on for awhile and I'm pretty miserable.

They are doing worse things for posting this here!

They play little games like I have to think of the maybe English-Australian lady when I'm doing other things or as reminders for when I do them.

Plus, it's been approaching a year since I found her, and it's like this has to happen and they even blame a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

They wait for me to improve my life in other ways along the way to cloak that they're still bothering me.

The people monitoring me in private keep getting by making excuses and saying I gave up by saying they bother me and say something's wrong with that.

My extreme troubles in how I feel etc. are probably from and because of the people monitoring me in private.

People around me are a problem, too, though.

They keep acting like this maybe English-Australian lady is always with me trying to have "sex" with me.

The people monitoring me in private had been adding to my life to total it that they go out of control and need everything to feel safe by being mean to me in case they think there was anything to do with anything like "rebellion" involved in my thoughts.

How can I get better with them following me around no matter where I move?

This maybe English-Australian lady keeps acting like she's haunting and tormenting me for revenge either of thinking her corny stereotypes were laughable, though they kept coming, or for not feeling affected by her like she's better for me than a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady.

The people monitoring me in private keep acting like I'm sensitive and tortured and they don't care at all and it's too bad and that maybe it didn't happen.

They think they're so cute having a maybe English-Australian lady ruin my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady.  They keep acting like she's talking to me and getting too close to me.

It seems I am in trouble for being defensive when my parents etc. acted annoying to me without admitting it.  People just press the button whenever they want.  There are other things they use, too.

The people monitoring me in private are like bemused monsters saying it's too bad and locking me in a cage.

They keep messing with me and a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, and everyone just keeps pointing fingers at each other.

The people monitoring me in private keep bothering me like there's something wrong and it affects me physically and I have to fight it.

Why do they keep acting like that have to socially/emotionally abuse me and a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with?

We don't have to be seen as the only famous people out there.

They keep making fun of me, elaborating on how maybe an English-Australian lady is bothering me and trying to ruin a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady.

I gave up watching the Olympic ceremony to recuperate and start off good tomorrow.

A maybe English-Australian lady who wants to displace my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady ... they kept beating at me with her, doing certain things, and now I can't feel and my legs keep itching so I can't keep them still.

I start my routine again, tomorrow, too.

People just want to focus on how maybe an Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, when trying to navigate through problems and while being a good person, are like talking back pretending she was the one being especially mean to me and keep poking at it.  They don't mess with all nice people, though.

New Meaning

It seems it's not because my dad said to be mean, at this point, they just do it.  They fuss about things.  ...

Like, it was a battle to deal with my dad's anger and to get it out of the way or over with.  Now, it seems never-ending.

They keep bothering me.

Have they just wasted my life?

They keep re-enacting like an older Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with will die and how I'm gonna be leftover and feel like shit compared to everyone.

They keep making problems, especially to do with a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

They keep engaging me in a maybe English-Australian lady replacing a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady, and she keeps coming up and abusing me.

My Main Problem

Some people around here keep stressing that a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" will die someday.

I found they let others not feel that pressure.

It's made me feel very low at times every day and have to work hard to pick up myself.

I feel bullied and affected by every suggestion.

I'm trying to get out of this group home and area and country, too.

They keep traumatizing me that I have to think of maybe an English-Australian lady replacing a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with like I have to associate her with other things, like things I do.

They keep making problems.

They keep thinking they're so cool to hurt me if I think in a way they don't like...

They seem to have turned on me regarding a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady.  People are always on about it, and the people involved monitoring me in private keep ruining it for me.

They made my legs unstable the way I use to put my laptop on when I lie back.

I heard Ellen DeGeneres did it, with the people monitoring me in private.

They threatened to ruin or have ruined a Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

So, they are still acting like a maybe English-Australian lady is talking to me at any point throughout the day and like they ruined my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with an older Late Baby Boomer European lady.

They think nothing they do matters and I should just deal with it.  It's really hurting me...

They just keep making my life bad...  I get messages all day against me and a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer European lady.

I keep being tormented by the people monitoring me in private, and my private keeps feeling bad and affected.

I was told not to worry, but they are wondering why I should have it better later if I'm not okay now.

I am worried because even when I left Orlando and then left the first group home, they managed to help ruin the experience.  I'm trying to relocate to the Freiburg, Germany area.

The people monitoring me in private and this maybe English-Australian lady are acting like disgusting, obnoxious beasts to me, trying to get too close communicating with me all day and acting like they have to ruin a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with an older Late Baby Boomer European lady.

I'm just here in a group home trying to feel better.  I can't with the people here and these problems.  My life should change for the better.

They think they have to make me suffer or an older Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

Life comes with things like that, but this is to a harmful degree and extent.

They just seem to keep going stupid on me, like the joke is okay.  It could also come up as "what it looks like" and like I didn't realize that.

Life has more to offer than this, or so it had.

They keep acting like a lady to replace the other lady and think about her during my day.  She is getting too close and trying to ruin my life.  They just go stupid and make some explanation or that people actually agreed and then sorta drift off and like it's okay.  I'm just saying.  People blame my dad, who died, and the people monitoring me in private, who also blamed my dad primarily.  This lady also ruins the other lady.  This lady is going crazy, she's English-Australian, I think.  The people monitoring me in private keep doing it.  No one seems to want to realize it.

The people monitoring me in private enforce suggested situations on me, and I forget what else I was going to say.

They just keep doing it like it will happen somehow anyway and they make sure they "get it out."  They think because they're not doing it in person that it's okay and I should learn to deal with it like nothing happened.  This happens all day.

First, they made me think I was being tacky all the time.

Now, a lady is stuck in my head in how I act proper sometimes.  They keep having her like she's talking to me and replacing an older Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

I have to deal with warding off a feeling certain times that maybe it's actually help and relates to an older European Late Baby Boomer lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

They keep bothering me more and more, like I have to realize I will never make it in life.

I get these feelings when they load the page a certain way, and now they act like I shouldn't wonder how etc.

The people monitoring me in private seem so silly and immature, if it has anything to do with them maybe, still?  I can't even settle down to sleep now and it's 1:45 A.M., and breakfast is maybe 9:30 A.M., and I usually feel so bad to wake up and stay in bed all day.  I'm stressed trying to move to a new group home, with healthier food, like some have with a variety of options even.

I get hurtful messages all day...

They keep acting like some lady is talking to me and raping me and replacing a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a Late Baby Boomer lady from Europe.

They keep acting like someone is getting too close to me and "replacing" an older Late Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with.

I'm fed up with these corny people talking to me in private and getting close and not being capable of making anything work out.

I was aroused and tried to masturbate.  It didn't work, so I did it again another way to satisfy the itch.  They made it itch, again.

The people monitoring me in private won't stop acting up to me.  They ruined my night by acting like stupid lunatics questioning my thinking and peace.

Also they keep acting like someone is talking to me like I can't have a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with a European Late Baby Boomer lady.

So, every time the page loads, it seems like they're talking to me.

They keep doing stupid things for stupid reasons, what a waste of my life!

They keep acting like this other person is talking to me and when I feel stimulated hearing a tick in the room.

They threaten to ruin the older lady, too...

I've been feeling like dying and managed to feel happy, and they popped up like some stupid lunatic in my face, like my night doesn't matter, and I've been trying to sleep more all day and it's already almost 2:30 A.M.  Breakfast may be at 9 or 10 A.M.

Beware, because I posted this here, they'll just change it and make something for the worse.

They also segue at some point that the older lady did it, just so they feel better, like they're not alone hurting me.  They must think this lady is pretty out of the norm and in bad ways.

They're going crazy firing off and ruining life.

They keep trying to affect me with noises and turn me off to things.

I can't make myself feel better in a certain way after they were suggestive about my brain.

The people monitoring me in private keep acting coy.  I already am feeling very low too much, and they think they have to upset me.

They are covering "new territory."

They just keep "pushing it" like I can't feel upset when it's appropriate to feel so.

People are too stupid or delirious to figure out if they are hurting me.

They keep appearing from behind the curtains with more problems.

They were acting autistic again, like they can deconstruct my thoughts and say I'm causing trouble for something related or that might have come up, like I'm awkward and that therefore a Late Boomer European older lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with should be ruined.

I keep feeling like I should die, but I wouldn't take my life, but here they are all fresh like nothing matters and I should just ignore all this.

I keep feeling pressure that it's about following this lady into death and never really living.  They are trying to make me feel worse about this.

They can't "do the math" themselves and wonder why I'm in bed recuperating longer, instead of finally setting my room up and to practice violin and learn German.

They've gotten meaner and meaner to me without recovery and like I'm really bad honing in on and noticing and paying attention to a "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with an older Late Baby Boomer European.

They follow my wondering about what they desire of me, and then they address it and it comes into effect.

I've been hearing the "relationship" with the lady is cancelled, just because I was feeling bad from the people monitoring me in private being mean and I realized something very mean how I was communicated.

People think this lady needs all this attention to feel better in older age and like she will be in Heaven or something, but they sacrificed me, like the older lady can talk to me instead, but then she's not really and they suggested I could never see her because I felt bad yesterday.  They also went back and said she must have been involved and if I so much as felt upset it's unacceptable.

I've been feeling so low, and they think they must go on and be mean to me, anyway.  They gave up on that I would have a better time because the people monitoring me in private kept punishing me for thoughts etc. and little things that ticked them off, and then I showed a sign of physical anger, for awhile and still being teased by others, to do with proximity of something to do with the lady.  It's pretty much been over, like that's okay.  Now, I feel like dying, I see, though.  That's okay?  Someday, the lady will die, and I don't feel like being left over in this world, as Baby Boomers's hand are held on their way to glory, while I feel like dying and still have to go through life, feeling bad from the past and my "relationship" with the lady ruined.

I didn't do anything that bad, but people can treat me how they want and they still get treated with respect, other people.  I'm a good person and have been my whole life.  People get mad if they can figure out a way.

It's inconvenient for people to be nice to me, and they decide to notice more things now and admit it.

I don't feel like putting up with living in a world suddenly centered about Late Baby Boomers dying or "taking it" all from people who really have people old enough to be their parent dying as they hit their 80s and 90s.  My "relationships" have already been compromised, in the process.

It's like the older lady is favored by all, while it's over for me.

I was left hanging in the last group home like things may not get better, I felt sometimes.

Others keep their relationships with others involved and get that sense of natural security, like I'm not good enough for that, too, though.

In the end, I don't get a lot of things and have problems others don't.  Something comes up, when I'm mistreated like I am not allowed to feel bad.  It's made into a big deal.  However, it doesn't matter anymore to others and it's okay if I'm not okay in the end.

They keep acting like it's my fault they act so silly and do everything in cycles and have messages pop up..

The people monitoring me in private keep tormenting me like I'm bad when I already have been feeling bad and make fun of me and act like they will make an older European Late Baby Boomer lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with ruined.

It's also like they want to beat me until I'm callous, unfeeling, and rather dead.

I don't see how life will be okay if the lady dies, as they are focusing on her having a good life and like I can't be as happy with her.

I thought, if I moved out of Orlando, people would stop being crazy to me.  The people monitoring me in private keep ruining my life, too.  Apparently, it didn't work.  What can I do, now?  It would probably be nicer in Europe/Germany, but I don't know how to support myself there.  Maybe, they have group homes, too.

Every time the page loads, the people monitoring me in private set it to send me a message, and lately it's all been about seeing me as tacky and submissive and a loser.  It's something mean all the time from them, like I blew it.  Every little thing also gets them worked up.  I might have been happier otherwise, just got to a new group home with a nice room as the top/3rd floor and it's pretty quiet.  I've been feeling very badly, and this only makes it worse.  I keep feeling reminded an older Late Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with will die well before me, probably.

Everyone is emotionally abusive to me now.  I got underground famous, and I met an older Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, but she became underground famous over me like there's something wrong with me.  It's been approaching 5 years, and now it seems it will never end.  Some people keep acting like I'm nothing and she should be distracted, famous over me.  Now, I can't stand being around some other people and know someday she could die.  They are using my distance personal life with her to "use" things and belittle me, like if I like her and respect her they think that means she's better etc.  They like her because she's smart about emotional things and they discovered her, but I think it's to ruin it for me.  They already were mean to me all the time.  They claimed my dad would hurt me if they were nice to me.  He thought he had to do it because my mom acted unreasonably sometimes or lasting for awhile.  He really seemed to have a problem, though.  They didn't seem worried about my future, and now they are dead.  I'm mostly upset the older lady will die someday and I will be left alone.  I'm supposed to have a sole relationship with her, like instead of trying to interact with too many other people, not sure how her social life is supposed to be affected.  Also, people are trying to get her to lose her grip on me and making me feel okay regarding when she dies.  Some people are going wild and getting their personality out doing this, some just saying I'm nothing straight out because she seems so much better and maybe because they are mean to me anyway and I'm younger like many of them.  I also am sad I lost some connection with some people to do with her.  It was supposed to be good and discover and treat feelings.  I showed physical anger in private in proximity to something to do with the lady and so now it's been very depressing and now with less sign of hope.  I was trying to hint earlier in this post that I thought she was better in many ways, but I still had my relationship with her, and now they say I finally succumbed, like I'm weak.  They're on a case to track my personal life with her, and I my relationship with her may seem to suffer in some ways, but they're annoying in general to be around.  Every little problem can escalate because I know she will die someday.  I get indicated I'm not worth it anymore to some people I can't avoid.  The people monitoring me in private won't stop clowning around with my sad life.  Also, now people say I'm not all that and what about everyone else and their kids, like they think I shouldn't have this "relationship," if they can't have it to but like I'm bad now.

The people monitoring me in private won't stop acting like they're so smart making up ways they are acting like I'm saying and doing things in a tacky way.  It's when the page loads and little ticks and noises I hear, like around my room in the walls, which has been happening for 16 years.  I've felt disconnected from the world, as a person, and my dad acted like it didn't matter and he didn't care.

Every little thing cripples me even more emotionally/psychologically/psychiatrically. It's painful, and I feel it in my head, like I'm totally affected.  Still, the people monitoring me in private have to go like clockwork like that means I need to be disciplined, and every little thing cripples me more.

Yesterday, they made a big deal of how things went, and I feel almost unrecoverable today.

I get poked at for any little flaw, like if I don't look totally attractive in some way.

The world also is acting up about me all the time, at least in the Cleveland area, like Orlando did.

I think I've experienced too much pain when already wounded, and I don't see how I can feel better.

The world is focusing on Late Baby Boomers dying someday and an older Late Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with is also being focused on.  I had a feeling death would not be a special problem and maybe there'd be a Heaven.  However, I feel as though that's not so, anymore, and I have a life of Hell to live before I die.

It's like no one ever meant for my life to be okay, like they lost it, are immature, unstable around me, take their own frustrations and jealousy out on me, etc., and the people I hear or see or come into contact with also do this.

I just keep getting more and more negativity.  I'm blamed for not having practiced violin enough while my mom got sick and died over maybe 2 years and then my dad.  I think people are using it against me.

I may not have to have given up on life, but it seems some people have no choice.

I'm not as upset about being older, especially since people look young longer.

I'm a bit upset if I have children late.  I'm not even sure who I'd marry.  I do want to move to Europe and am interested in Germany now for classical music but sad musicians are just getting older.

They also won't stop acting like someone else talking to me in place of the other lady, like I did something when I saw something she did and liked.  That's also points against me and inconvenient.  They acted like the lady is to blame, and it's crazy.  They keep having an inclination to blame her, when she's not some weirdo like they want to think.

I do need to hit the gym.  I want to make money acting and move to Germany, learn German, and hopefully can play violin, but I got mad the days I watched "The Ellen DeGenres Show" and hit my table and damaged the nerves in my arms and feel big and clumsy and blamed and ridiculed for it.

The people monitoring me in private keep beating on me and making life hard.  I was so happy with my new group home, but they had to butt in and probably blame the lady.  They really got something going.

Still, things aren't the same and feel like death since I showed physical anger in private because it was in proximity of something to do with the lady.  It was because of the people monitoring me in private just sitting there time after time like I'm punished and it's okay if I show any physical sign of anger or think of something like a curse word.  It's supposed to get better, but now I don't see the way.  They just got more mean.  It was a problem for the lady that I was defensive when my parents were mean to me, and so they are always more mean to me now.  They have little responsibility for their actions.  They poke at me if I feel bad or if I stop because I feel so abused.  I don't know how I could rest in peace, but I wouldn't take my life.

I feel like this was the last straw, and I can't recover, but I probably will feel better after I can make it to the gym.  I was just resting from the move and ventured to see a special classical concert.

Also, if I feel bad or something, they threaten the lady will not be "all that" and seem to tease and poke at me a lot that they will ruin her.

It's about people who've been in my life getting things over me, too, like I've done something.  People are crazy, and I can't seem to overcome past problems with other things, on top of this strange cause.

Any little thing makes it worse, and the people monitoring me in private think they can come out and do whatever they want and I don't "get" what I had before.

It's hard to rest and relax, with all the bad things happening to me.

I know things were about to get better, but, when I showed physical anger in private in proximity to something to do with an older European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, it didn't happen, and the melancholy feelings I would heal just got worse.  ...  And it was like I didn't matter! and never will again.  I don't feel any peace being alone.  I feel the world "thinks they have to do something," and that keeps them going.  They make it even worse.  I know when I was mad that one time showing physical anger in private, I was annoyed the people monitoring me in private made me go crazy that, if I do anything a little wrong or show a little physical anger, it's just like clockwork that I'll be in trouble and if severe then indefinitely.  They just sat there, like they were being rewarded.  I sorta got on their bad side, and they keep talking to me via how the page loads on my computer and in bad ways like that's all there ever will be and with little ticking noises in my room or when I put on my headphones.  I tried to overlook this, but people've gotten excited and it's become serious.  Am I supposed to be randomly tormented by strangers indefinitely for this?  I'm also very sad if my "relationship" with the older European lady is ruined.  I feel almost like we wouldn't die, but now I feel like she will die and go to Heaven and I will be miserable on this earth and eventually go to Hell.

So, the little messages I keep getting from the people monitoring me in private and everyone around me being onto me and uplifting the lady in strange ways is making it worse, like I can't heal.  Eventually, you'd think I'd die, though I already feel as though I must've died or my soul won't go to Heaven.

When I am able to be silent now, I just feel I lost something in life and have nowhere I'd rather go.  I feel people are upset at things I have that they don't have.

So, what should I do?  It seems I have to tell myself I'm not that bad, and it doesn't worry me if I get a little upset now and then and that it's understandable.  I think they just went through the idea of an episode or perhaps for real that I need to be punished for things that are not bad.  They know people are mean to me and think I need to be trained to accept being punished, while other people are out of control.

I tried to avoid the topic, but it's all that's pressing against me for the time being.  It seems weird how everyone is onto it, it seems now.  I'll have to post here more often, perhaps.

It's like people think it's dangerous to let my life be okay.  They feel taken aback and wallow in their sensitivities of being European race.

So, since I showed my frustration physically that one time was approaching 1/2 year.  All this because of that.  People are creeping up on me for it, and apparently something has ruined my life.  I might need to rest, to deal with it and just in general, after finally getting out of the old group home, which should never be forced to happen to anyone.

I wasn't gonna talk about it since I thought I saw directly the lady might have said, like, I was punished, herself, though I did hope I still had my same chances in life.  I know some things were ruined about me as a person myself.  People around me are annoying, and it's like it's about fixing them for being bad while my life gets worse.  It feels like it's over, like I said, my life, too.  I can't make myself happy all the time.  It's getting worse, actually.  It's like I just have to deal with it, like my life peaked greatly but can be taken back for silly rules, that only I have, for no reason it seems.  People were just uncomfortable.  They believe you're bad if you feel sad and have a reaction to bad people, like that's not natural...  I'm tired of my life being about that.  They don't take back things like that with others.  It seems like it's too late, but people here are stupid, too, like in Orlando, but in different ways, though I see I may even have problems if I move to Germany or it'd be not as nice because older generations are dying or getting old.

I've been feeling really low and in torment.  It happens when I wake up, maybe I need to catch up on rest.  I get sad about the focus and how people focus that people die someday, like people who act like parents who are old enough to be your parents.  It gets worse each day.  The idea of, like, my soul living forever also doesn't make me happier.   I don't see why dying now would be resting in peace, for some reason, but I wouldn't take my life.

It might be how people think I am bad or in trouble helping.  I feel others take similar frustrations and inklings from being treated badly to do with race on me.

I feel happy about where I am.

It might be the lingering effects of the coronavirus shots, too.

Like I've said, I may have run out of a medication and need to see my doctors.

I hold dreams to go to Germany, too, maybe making money from film acting.  I'm still recuperating after finally moving out of the last place, but I'm hitting the gym to get in shape, too.

I've been feeling unbelievably sad and hurt, and I feel the pain from my brain.

I leave tomorrow and all should be better, but I've been feeling worse and worse until then.

Supposedly, Ellen DeGeneres is sending me messages, using the people monitoring me in private.  She is mad and hurts me even when I'm low.  The people monitoring me in private act like what they say to me and how they say they affect an older European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with ... they act like what they do doesn't matter.

They hurt me now for posting about problems like this again like it's okay and I'm also feeling that bad.

The people outside keep reciting problems from them, too, as they drive by, and it also stings me, like it's okay to test me when I already feel this bad.

The world is pacing the life of the lady to death, like my "relationship" with her suffers, instead.

The people monitoring me in private have gone off the deep end.  They are mean to me "just in case" I have any attitude or feel anything in any negative way.  I'm on the computer, and they control when the screen loads and I hear noises, like in the kitchen.  They keep hurting me all the time.

I'm feeling worse and worse every day.

Everyone is just tearing into me with my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with an older lady, trying to affect her, etc.

People are too delirious and bitter about their own lives to stop ruining mine, which has been made available.

I just heard, even wanting to move to Germany, Ellen DeGeneres will force people there to torture me, like I have no escape or happiness waiting for me.  Ellen DeGenres is said to be threatening me, like about death, too, and when I already feel like dying, prying into my relationship with the lady like of course it's that way.

The people monitoring me in private keep acting insecure and taking out their frustration on me, like they have to and it's about making them feel better in this way.

I'm just being beat all the time like I don't matter and I feel so bad, already.

I know when I showed physical signs of anger alone in my room in proximity of something to do with the lady, it was like it was over.

They are just sitting there like it doesn't matter.  People just keep doing it.  For posting this, they are ruining it even more.

They won't stop saying things about how people make me feel who I am in bad ways.  It's just getting worse since I posted here.  No one cares if I'm miserable.  They are prying into my private life and "relationship" with the lady.  They are trying to ruin her.  They said everything is ruined for posting this, when posting this is a good thing.  Plus, they made more worse problems for posting here.

The people monitoring me in private are immature and don't take things seriously.

Everyone is just going along.

They say it's unstable with the lady, too, found it was such a big deal and decided to try to ruin it.  She's getting older, too.

Now, people outside are saying worse things about me, just because I posted this, feeling like I'm going to die and being made to feel worse.  I don't believe it's wrong to post my problems here.

They keep cutting into my life.

They are teasing it would be okay if I didn't post here.

I actually feel bad emotionally and feel it in my brain.

I might just stay home today and catch up on sleep.

I'm a little stressed I got a bill from AT&T and have to go to the store to ask why because I cancelled that transaction.  I called, but they said I have to go to the store.

The new group home sounds promising and little threat socially.  Hopefully, I can get better or something.

I hope I can lower my A1C soon by exercising and at the gym and hopefully with good food at the new group home.

I've been feeling very low sometimes/often lately.  I do think they stopped giving me one of my pills, ran out or something.

I have to have diarrhea it seems at least twice an hour.  I moved from living in Orlando until my parents died for 4 years Up North to the Cleveland, Ohio area, by Lake Erie, one of the Great Lakes.

I visit another group home today, hopefully can move out of the one I'm in to this one.  I feel that should solve all my problems, unless I still feel bad from living here.  Except, it's still in the same area and city, East Cleveland, so it may still be hard to feel good there, for that particular reason.  Overall, I think it will be nice and a nice change.

I have emotional problems, too, but they just keep cycling, to do with being monitored in private...