Wednesday, July 14, 2021

The people monitoring me in private won't stop acting like they're so smart making up ways they are acting like I'm saying and doing things in a tacky way.  It's when the page loads and little ticks and noises I hear, like around my room in the walls, which has been happening for 16 years.  I've felt disconnected from the world, as a person, and my dad acted like it didn't matter and he didn't care.

Every little thing cripples me even more emotionally/psychologically/psychiatrically. It's painful, and I feel it in my head, like I'm totally affected.  Still, the people monitoring me in private have to go like clockwork like that means I need to be disciplined, and every little thing cripples me more.

Yesterday, they made a big deal of how things went, and I feel almost unrecoverable today.

I get poked at for any little flaw, like if I don't look totally attractive in some way.

The world also is acting up about me all the time, at least in the Cleveland area, like Orlando did.

I think I've experienced too much pain when already wounded, and I don't see how I can feel better.

The world is focusing on Late Baby Boomers dying someday and an older Late Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with is also being focused on.  I had a feeling death would not be a special problem and maybe there'd be a Heaven.  However, I feel as though that's not so, anymore, and I have a life of Hell to live before I die.

It's like no one ever meant for my life to be okay, like they lost it, are immature, unstable around me, take their own frustrations and jealousy out on me, etc., and the people I hear or see or come into contact with also do this.

I just keep getting more and more negativity.  I'm blamed for not having practiced violin enough while my mom got sick and died over maybe 2 years and then my dad.  I think people are using it against me.

I may not have to have given up on life, but it seems some people have no choice.

I'm not as upset about being older, especially since people look young longer.

I'm a bit upset if I have children late.  I'm not even sure who I'd marry.  I do want to move to Europe and am interested in Germany now for classical music but sad musicians are just getting older.

They also won't stop acting like someone else talking to me in place of the other lady, like I did something when I saw something she did and liked.  That's also points against me and inconvenient.  They acted like the lady is to blame, and it's crazy.  They keep having an inclination to blame her, when she's not some weirdo like they want to think.

I do need to hit the gym.  I want to make money acting and move to Germany, learn German, and hopefully can play violin, but I got mad the days I watched "The Ellen DeGenres Show" and hit my table and damaged the nerves in my arms and feel big and clumsy and blamed and ridiculed for it.

The people monitoring me in private keep beating on me and making life hard.  I was so happy with my new group home, but they had to butt in and probably blame the lady.  They really got something going.

Still, things aren't the same and feel like death since I showed physical anger in private because it was in proximity of something to do with the lady.  It was because of the people monitoring me in private just sitting there time after time like I'm punished and it's okay if I show any physical sign of anger or think of something like a curse word.  It's supposed to get better, but now I don't see the way.  They just got more mean.  It was a problem for the lady that I was defensive when my parents were mean to me, and so they are always more mean to me now.  They have little responsibility for their actions.  They poke at me if I feel bad or if I stop because I feel so abused.  I don't know how I could rest in peace, but I wouldn't take my life.

I feel like this was the last straw, and I can't recover, but I probably will feel better after I can make it to the gym.  I was just resting from the move and ventured to see a special classical concert.

Also, if I feel bad or something, they threaten the lady will not be "all that" and seem to tease and poke at me a lot that they will ruin her.

It's about people who've been in my life getting things over me, too, like I've done something.  People are crazy, and I can't seem to overcome past problems with other things, on top of this strange cause.

Any little thing makes it worse, and the people monitoring me in private think they can come out and do whatever they want and I don't "get" what I had before.