It's hard to rest and relax, with all the bad things happening to me.

I know things were about to get better, but, when I showed physical anger in private in proximity to something to do with an older European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, it didn't happen, and the melancholy feelings I would heal just got worse.  ...  And it was like I didn't matter! and never will again.  I don't feel any peace being alone.  I feel the world "thinks they have to do something," and that keeps them going.  They make it even worse.  I know when I was mad that one time showing physical anger in private, I was annoyed the people monitoring me in private made me go crazy that, if I do anything a little wrong or show a little physical anger, it's just like clockwork that I'll be in trouble and if severe then indefinitely.  They just sat there, like they were being rewarded.  I sorta got on their bad side, and they keep talking to me via how the page loads on my computer and in bad ways like that's all there ever will be and with little ticking noises in my room or when I put on my headphones.  I tried to overlook this, but people've gotten excited and it's become serious.  Am I supposed to be randomly tormented by strangers indefinitely for this?  I'm also very sad if my "relationship" with the older European lady is ruined.  I feel almost like we wouldn't die, but now I feel like she will die and go to Heaven and I will be miserable on this earth and eventually go to Hell.

So, the little messages I keep getting from the people monitoring me in private and everyone around me being onto me and uplifting the lady in strange ways is making it worse, like I can't heal.  Eventually, you'd think I'd die, though I already feel as though I must've died or my soul won't go to Heaven.

When I am able to be silent now, I just feel I lost something in life and have nowhere I'd rather go.  I feel people are upset at things I have that they don't have.

So, what should I do?  It seems I have to tell myself I'm not that bad, and it doesn't worry me if I get a little upset now and then and that it's understandable.  I think they just went through the idea of an episode or perhaps for real that I need to be punished for things that are not bad.  They know people are mean to me and think I need to be trained to accept being punished, while other people are out of control.

I tried to avoid the topic, but it's all that's pressing against me for the time being.  It seems weird how everyone is onto it, it seems now.  I'll have to post here more often, perhaps.

It's like people think it's dangerous to let my life be okay.  They feel taken aback and wallow in their sensitivities of being European race.

So, since I showed my frustration physically that one time was approaching 1/2 year.  All this because of that.  People are creeping up on me for it, and apparently something has ruined my life.  I might need to rest, to deal with it and just in general, after finally getting out of the old group home, which should never be forced to happen to anyone.

I wasn't gonna talk about it since I thought I saw directly the lady might have said, like, I was punished, herself, though I did hope I still had my same chances in life.  I know some things were ruined about me as a person myself.  People around me are annoying, and it's like it's about fixing them for being bad while my life gets worse.  It feels like it's over, like I said, my life, too.  I can't make myself happy all the time.  It's getting worse, actually.  It's like I just have to deal with it, like my life peaked greatly but can be taken back for silly rules, that only I have, for no reason it seems.  People were just uncomfortable.  They believe you're bad if you feel sad and have a reaction to bad people, like that's not natural...  I'm tired of my life being about that.  They don't take back things like that with others.  It seems like it's too late, but people here are stupid, too, like in Orlando, but in different ways, though I see I may even have problems if I move to Germany or it'd be not as nice because older generations are dying or getting old.

I've been feeling really low and in torment.  It happens when I wake up, maybe I need to catch up on rest.  I get sad about the focus and how people focus that people die someday, like people who act like parents who are old enough to be your parents.  It gets worse each day.  The idea of, like, my soul living forever also doesn't make me happier.   I don't see why dying now would be resting in peace, for some reason, but I wouldn't take my life.

It might be how people think I am bad or in trouble helping.  I feel others take similar frustrations and inklings from being treated badly to do with race on me.

I feel happy about where I am.

It might be the lingering effects of the coronavirus shots, too.

Like I've said, I may have run out of a medication and need to see my doctors.

I hold dreams to go to Germany, too, maybe making money from film acting.  I'm still recuperating after finally moving out of the last place, but I'm hitting the gym to get in shape, too.