The people monitoring me in private keep tormenting me like I'm bad when I already have been feeling bad and make fun of me and act like they will make an older European Late Baby Boomer lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with ruined.

It's also like they want to beat me until I'm callous, unfeeling, and rather dead.

I don't see how life will be okay if the lady dies, as they are focusing on her having a good life and like I can't be as happy with her.

I thought, if I moved out of Orlando, people would stop being crazy to me.  The people monitoring me in private keep ruining my life, too.  Apparently, it didn't work.  What can I do, now?  It would probably be nicer in Europe/Germany, but I don't know how to support myself there.  Maybe, they have group homes, too.

Every time the page loads, the people monitoring me in private set it to send me a message, and lately it's all been about seeing me as tacky and submissive and a loser.  It's something mean all the time from them, like I blew it.  Every little thing also gets them worked up.  I might have been happier otherwise, just got to a new group home with a nice room as the top/3rd floor and it's pretty quiet.  I've been feeling very badly, and this only makes it worse.  I keep feeling reminded an older Late Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with will die well before me, probably.

Everyone is emotionally abusive to me now.  I got underground famous, and I met an older Late Baby Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, but she became underground famous over me like there's something wrong with me.  It's been approaching 5 years, and now it seems it will never end.  Some people keep acting like I'm nothing and she should be distracted, famous over me.  Now, I can't stand being around some other people and know someday she could die.  They are using my distance personal life with her to "use" things and belittle me, like if I like her and respect her they think that means she's better etc.  They like her because she's smart about emotional things and they discovered her, but I think it's to ruin it for me.  They already were mean to me all the time.  They claimed my dad would hurt me if they were nice to me.  He thought he had to do it because my mom acted unreasonably sometimes or lasting for awhile.  He really seemed to have a problem, though.  They didn't seem worried about my future, and now they are dead.  I'm mostly upset the older lady will die someday and I will be left alone.  I'm supposed to have a sole relationship with her, like instead of trying to interact with too many other people, not sure how her social life is supposed to be affected.  Also, people are trying to get her to lose her grip on me and making me feel okay regarding when she dies.  Some people are going wild and getting their personality out doing this, some just saying I'm nothing straight out because she seems so much better and maybe because they are mean to me anyway and I'm younger like many of them.  I also am sad I lost some connection with some people to do with her.  It was supposed to be good and discover and treat feelings.  I showed physical anger in private in proximity to something to do with the lady and so now it's been very depressing and now with less sign of hope.  I was trying to hint earlier in this post that I thought she was better in many ways, but I still had my relationship with her, and now they say I finally succumbed, like I'm weak.  They're on a case to track my personal life with her, and I my relationship with her may seem to suffer in some ways, but they're annoying in general to be around.  Every little problem can escalate because I know she will die someday.  I get indicated I'm not worth it anymore to some people I can't avoid.  The people monitoring me in private won't stop clowning around with my sad life.  Also, now people say I'm not all that and what about everyone else and their kids, like they think I shouldn't have this "relationship," if they can't have it to but like I'm bad now.

The people monitoring me in private won't stop acting like they're so smart making up ways they are acting like I'm saying and doing things in a tacky way.  It's when the page loads and little ticks and noises I hear, like around my room in the walls, which has been happening for 16 years.  I've felt disconnected from the world, as a person, and my dad acted like it didn't matter and he didn't care.

Every little thing cripples me even more emotionally/psychologically/psychiatrically. It's painful, and I feel it in my head, like I'm totally affected.  Still, the people monitoring me in private have to go like clockwork like that means I need to be disciplined, and every little thing cripples me more.

Yesterday, they made a big deal of how things went, and I feel almost unrecoverable today.

I get poked at for any little flaw, like if I don't look totally attractive in some way.

The world also is acting up about me all the time, at least in the Cleveland area, like Orlando did.

I think I've experienced too much pain when already wounded, and I don't see how I can feel better.

The world is focusing on Late Baby Boomers dying someday and an older Late Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with is also being focused on.  I had a feeling death would not be a special problem and maybe there'd be a Heaven.  However, I feel as though that's not so, anymore, and I have a life of Hell to live before I die.

It's like no one ever meant for my life to be okay, like they lost it, are immature, unstable around me, take their own frustrations and jealousy out on me, etc., and the people I hear or see or come into contact with also do this.

I just keep getting more and more negativity.  I'm blamed for not having practiced violin enough while my mom got sick and died over maybe 2 years and then my dad.  I think people are using it against me.

I may not have to have given up on life, but it seems some people have no choice.

I'm not as upset about being older, especially since people look young longer.

I'm a bit upset if I have children late.  I'm not even sure who I'd marry.  I do want to move to Europe and am interested in Germany now for classical music but sad musicians are just getting older.

They also won't stop acting like someone else talking to me in place of the other lady, like I did something when I saw something she did and liked.  That's also points against me and inconvenient.  They acted like the lady is to blame, and it's crazy.  They keep having an inclination to blame her, when she's not some weirdo like they want to think.

I do need to hit the gym.  I want to make money acting and move to Germany, learn German, and hopefully can play violin, but I got mad the days I watched "The Ellen DeGenres Show" and hit my table and damaged the nerves in my arms and feel big and clumsy and blamed and ridiculed for it.

The people monitoring me in private keep beating on me and making life hard.  I was so happy with my new group home, but they had to butt in and probably blame the lady.  They really got something going.

Still, things aren't the same and feel like death since I showed physical anger in private because it was in proximity of something to do with the lady.  It was because of the people monitoring me in private just sitting there time after time like I'm punished and it's okay if I show any physical sign of anger or think of something like a curse word.  It's supposed to get better, but now I don't see the way.  They just got more mean.  It was a problem for the lady that I was defensive when my parents were mean to me, and so they are always more mean to me now.  They have little responsibility for their actions.  They poke at me if I feel bad or if I stop because I feel so abused.  I don't know how I could rest in peace, but I wouldn't take my life.

I feel like this was the last straw, and I can't recover, but I probably will feel better after I can make it to the gym.  I was just resting from the move and ventured to see a special classical concert.

Also, if I feel bad or something, they threaten the lady will not be "all that" and seem to tease and poke at me a lot that they will ruin her.

It's about people who've been in my life getting things over me, too, like I've done something.  People are crazy, and I can't seem to overcome past problems with other things, on top of this strange cause.

Any little thing makes it worse, and the people monitoring me in private think they can come out and do whatever they want and I don't "get" what I had before.

It's hard to rest and relax, with all the bad things happening to me.

I know things were about to get better, but, when I showed physical anger in private in proximity to something to do with an older European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, it didn't happen, and the melancholy feelings I would heal just got worse.  ...  And it was like I didn't matter! and never will again.  I don't feel any peace being alone.  I feel the world "thinks they have to do something," and that keeps them going.  They make it even worse.  I know when I was mad that one time showing physical anger in private, I was annoyed the people monitoring me in private made me go crazy that, if I do anything a little wrong or show a little physical anger, it's just like clockwork that I'll be in trouble and if severe then indefinitely.  They just sat there, like they were being rewarded.  I sorta got on their bad side, and they keep talking to me via how the page loads on my computer and in bad ways like that's all there ever will be and with little ticking noises in my room or when I put on my headphones.  I tried to overlook this, but people've gotten excited and it's become serious.  Am I supposed to be randomly tormented by strangers indefinitely for this?  I'm also very sad if my "relationship" with the older European lady is ruined.  I feel almost like we wouldn't die, but now I feel like she will die and go to Heaven and I will be miserable on this earth and eventually go to Hell.

So, the little messages I keep getting from the people monitoring me in private and everyone around me being onto me and uplifting the lady in strange ways is making it worse, like I can't heal.  Eventually, you'd think I'd die, though I already feel as though I must've died or my soul won't go to Heaven.

When I am able to be silent now, I just feel I lost something in life and have nowhere I'd rather go.  I feel people are upset at things I have that they don't have.

So, what should I do?  It seems I have to tell myself I'm not that bad, and it doesn't worry me if I get a little upset now and then and that it's understandable.  I think they just went through the idea of an episode or perhaps for real that I need to be punished for things that are not bad.  They know people are mean to me and think I need to be trained to accept being punished, while other people are out of control.

I tried to avoid the topic, but it's all that's pressing against me for the time being.  It seems weird how everyone is onto it, it seems now.  I'll have to post here more often, perhaps.

It's like people think it's dangerous to let my life be okay.  They feel taken aback and wallow in their sensitivities of being European race.

So, since I showed my frustration physically that one time was approaching 1/2 year.  All this because of that.  People are creeping up on me for it, and apparently something has ruined my life.  I might need to rest, to deal with it and just in general, after finally getting out of the old group home, which should never be forced to happen to anyone.

I wasn't gonna talk about it since I thought I saw directly the lady might have said, like, I was punished, herself, though I did hope I still had my same chances in life.  I know some things were ruined about me as a person myself.  People around me are annoying, and it's like it's about fixing them for being bad while my life gets worse.  It feels like it's over, like I said, my life, too.  I can't make myself happy all the time.  It's getting worse, actually.  It's like I just have to deal with it, like my life peaked greatly but can be taken back for silly rules, that only I have, for no reason it seems.  People were just uncomfortable.  They believe you're bad if you feel sad and have a reaction to bad people, like that's not natural...  I'm tired of my life being about that.  They don't take back things like that with others.  It seems like it's too late, but people here are stupid, too, like in Orlando, but in different ways, though I see I may even have problems if I move to Germany or it'd be not as nice because older generations are dying or getting old.

I've been feeling really low and in torment.  It happens when I wake up, maybe I need to catch up on rest.  I get sad about the focus and how people focus that people die someday, like people who act like parents who are old enough to be your parents.  It gets worse each day.  The idea of, like, my soul living forever also doesn't make me happier.   I don't see why dying now would be resting in peace, for some reason, but I wouldn't take my life.

It might be how people think I am bad or in trouble helping.  I feel others take similar frustrations and inklings from being treated badly to do with race on me.

I feel happy about where I am.

It might be the lingering effects of the coronavirus shots, too.

Like I've said, I may have run out of a medication and need to see my doctors.

I hold dreams to go to Germany, too, maybe making money from film acting.  I'm still recuperating after finally moving out of the last place, but I'm hitting the gym to get in shape, too.