The people monitoring me in private won't stop acting like they're so smart making up ways they are acting like I'm saying and doing things in a tacky way.  It's when the page loads and little ticks and noises I hear, like around my room in the walls, which has been happening for 16 years.  I've felt disconnected from the world, as a person, and my dad acted like it didn't matter and he didn't care.

Every little thing cripples me even more emotionally/psychologically/psychiatrically. It's painful, and I feel it in my head, like I'm totally affected.  Still, the people monitoring me in private have to go like clockwork like that means I need to be disciplined, and every little thing cripples me more.

Yesterday, they made a big deal of how things went, and I feel almost unrecoverable today.

I get poked at for any little flaw, like if I don't look totally attractive in some way.

The world also is acting up about me all the time, at least in the Cleveland area, like Orlando did.

I think I've experienced too much pain when already wounded, and I don't see how I can feel better.

The world is focusing on Late Baby Boomers dying someday and an older Late Boomer European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with is also being focused on.  I had a feeling death would not be a special problem and maybe there'd be a Heaven.  However, I feel as though that's not so, anymore, and I have a life of Hell to live before I die.

It's like no one ever meant for my life to be okay, like they lost it, are immature, unstable around me, take their own frustrations and jealousy out on me, etc., and the people I hear or see or come into contact with also do this.

I just keep getting more and more negativity.  I'm blamed for not having practiced violin enough while my mom got sick and died over maybe 2 years and then my dad.  I think people are using it against me.

I may not have to have given up on life, but it seems some people have no choice.

I'm not as upset about being older, especially since people look young longer.

I'm a bit upset if I have children late.  I'm not even sure who I'd marry.  I do want to move to Europe and am interested in Germany now for classical music but sad musicians are just getting older.

They also won't stop acting like someone else talking to me in place of the other lady, like I did something when I saw something she did and liked.  That's also points against me and inconvenient.  They acted like the lady is to blame, and it's crazy.  They keep having an inclination to blame her, when she's not some weirdo like they want to think.

I do need to hit the gym.  I want to make money acting and move to Germany, learn German, and hopefully can play violin, but I got mad the days I watched "The Ellen DeGenres Show" and hit my table and damaged the nerves in my arms and feel big and clumsy and blamed and ridiculed for it.

The people monitoring me in private keep beating on me and making life hard.  I was so happy with my new group home, but they had to butt in and probably blame the lady.  They really got something going.

Still, things aren't the same and feel like death since I showed physical anger in private because it was in proximity of something to do with the lady.  It was because of the people monitoring me in private just sitting there time after time like I'm punished and it's okay if I show any physical sign of anger or think of something like a curse word.  It's supposed to get better, but now I don't see the way.  They just got more mean.  It was a problem for the lady that I was defensive when my parents were mean to me, and so they are always more mean to me now.  They have little responsibility for their actions.  They poke at me if I feel bad or if I stop because I feel so abused.  I don't know how I could rest in peace, but I wouldn't take my life.

I feel like this was the last straw, and I can't recover, but I probably will feel better after I can make it to the gym.  I was just resting from the move and ventured to see a special classical concert.

Also, if I feel bad or something, they threaten the lady will not be "all that" and seem to tease and poke at me a lot that they will ruin her.

It's about people who've been in my life getting things over me, too, like I've done something.  People are crazy, and I can't seem to overcome past problems with other things, on top of this strange cause.

Any little thing makes it worse, and the people monitoring me in private think they can come out and do whatever they want and I don't "get" what I had before.

It's hard to rest and relax, with all the bad things happening to me.

I know things were about to get better, but, when I showed physical anger in private in proximity to something to do with an older European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with, it didn't happen, and the melancholy feelings I would heal just got worse.  ...  And it was like I didn't matter! and never will again.  I don't feel any peace being alone.  I feel the world "thinks they have to do something," and that keeps them going.  They make it even worse.  I know when I was mad that one time showing physical anger in private, I was annoyed the people monitoring me in private made me go crazy that, if I do anything a little wrong or show a little physical anger, it's just like clockwork that I'll be in trouble and if severe then indefinitely.  They just sat there, like they were being rewarded.  I sorta got on their bad side, and they keep talking to me via how the page loads on my computer and in bad ways like that's all there ever will be and with little ticking noises in my room or when I put on my headphones.  I tried to overlook this, but people've gotten excited and it's become serious.  Am I supposed to be randomly tormented by strangers indefinitely for this?  I'm also very sad if my "relationship" with the older European lady is ruined.  I feel almost like we wouldn't die, but now I feel like she will die and go to Heaven and I will be miserable on this earth and eventually go to Hell.

So, the little messages I keep getting from the people monitoring me in private and everyone around me being onto me and uplifting the lady in strange ways is making it worse, like I can't heal.  Eventually, you'd think I'd die, though I already feel as though I must've died or my soul won't go to Heaven.

When I am able to be silent now, I just feel I lost something in life and have nowhere I'd rather go.  I feel people are upset at things I have that they don't have.

So, what should I do?  It seems I have to tell myself I'm not that bad, and it doesn't worry me if I get a little upset now and then and that it's understandable.  I think they just went through the idea of an episode or perhaps for real that I need to be punished for things that are not bad.  They know people are mean to me and think I need to be trained to accept being punished, while other people are out of control.

I tried to avoid the topic, but it's all that's pressing against me for the time being.  It seems weird how everyone is onto it, it seems now.  I'll have to post here more often, perhaps.

It's like people think it's dangerous to let my life be okay.  They feel taken aback and wallow in their sensitivities of being European race.

So, since I showed my frustration physically that one time was approaching 1/2 year.  All this because of that.  People are creeping up on me for it, and apparently something has ruined my life.  I might need to rest, to deal with it and just in general, after finally getting out of the old group home, which should never be forced to happen to anyone.

I wasn't gonna talk about it since I thought I saw directly the lady might have said, like, I was punished, herself, though I did hope I still had my same chances in life.  I know some things were ruined about me as a person myself.  People around me are annoying, and it's like it's about fixing them for being bad while my life gets worse.  It feels like it's over, like I said, my life, too.  I can't make myself happy all the time.  It's getting worse, actually.  It's like I just have to deal with it, like my life peaked greatly but can be taken back for silly rules, that only I have, for no reason it seems.  People were just uncomfortable.  They believe you're bad if you feel sad and have a reaction to bad people, like that's not natural...  I'm tired of my life being about that.  They don't take back things like that with others.  It seems like it's too late, but people here are stupid, too, like in Orlando, but in different ways, though I see I may even have problems if I move to Germany or it'd be not as nice because older generations are dying or getting old.

I've been feeling really low and in torment.  It happens when I wake up, maybe I need to catch up on rest.  I get sad about the focus and how people focus that people die someday, like people who act like parents who are old enough to be your parents.  It gets worse each day.  The idea of, like, my soul living forever also doesn't make me happier.   I don't see why dying now would be resting in peace, for some reason, but I wouldn't take my life.

It might be how people think I am bad or in trouble helping.  I feel others take similar frustrations and inklings from being treated badly to do with race on me.

I feel happy about where I am.

It might be the lingering effects of the coronavirus shots, too.

Like I've said, I may have run out of a medication and need to see my doctors.

I hold dreams to go to Germany, too, maybe making money from film acting.  I'm still recuperating after finally moving out of the last place, but I'm hitting the gym to get in shape, too.

I've been feeling unbelievably sad and hurt, and I feel the pain from my brain.

I leave tomorrow and all should be better, but I've been feeling worse and worse until then.

Supposedly, Ellen DeGeneres is sending me messages, using the people monitoring me in private.  She is mad and hurts me even when I'm low.  The people monitoring me in private act like what they say to me and how they say they affect an older European lady I'm supposedly supposed to have a "relationship" with ... they act like what they do doesn't matter.

They hurt me now for posting about problems like this again like it's okay and I'm also feeling that bad.

The people outside keep reciting problems from them, too, as they drive by, and it also stings me, like it's okay to test me when I already feel this bad.

The world is pacing the life of the lady to death, like my "relationship" with her suffers, instead.

The people monitoring me in private have gone off the deep end.  They are mean to me "just in case" I have any attitude or feel anything in any negative way.  I'm on the computer, and they control when the screen loads and I hear noises, like in the kitchen.  They keep hurting me all the time.

I'm feeling worse and worse every day.

Everyone is just tearing into me with my "relationship" I'm supposedly supposed to have with an older lady, trying to affect her, etc.

People are too delirious and bitter about their own lives to stop ruining mine, which has been made available.

I just heard, even wanting to move to Germany, Ellen DeGeneres will force people there to torture me, like I have no escape or happiness waiting for me.  Ellen DeGenres is said to be threatening me, like about death, too, and when I already feel like dying, prying into my relationship with the lady like of course it's that way.

The people monitoring me in private keep acting insecure and taking out their frustration on me, like they have to and it's about making them feel better in this way.

I'm just being beat all the time like I don't matter and I feel so bad, already.

I know when I showed physical signs of anger alone in my room in proximity of something to do with the lady, it was like it was over.

They are just sitting there like it doesn't matter.  People just keep doing it.  For posting this, they are ruining it even more.

They won't stop saying things about how people make me feel who I am in bad ways.  It's just getting worse since I posted here.  No one cares if I'm miserable.  They are prying into my private life and "relationship" with the lady.  They are trying to ruin her.  They said everything is ruined for posting this, when posting this is a good thing.  Plus, they made more worse problems for posting here.

The people monitoring me in private are immature and don't take things seriously.

Everyone is just going along.

They say it's unstable with the lady, too, found it was such a big deal and decided to try to ruin it.  She's getting older, too.

Now, people outside are saying worse things about me, just because I posted this, feeling like I'm going to die and being made to feel worse.  I don't believe it's wrong to post my problems here.

They keep cutting into my life.

They are teasing it would be okay if I didn't post here.

I actually feel bad emotionally and feel it in my brain.

I might just stay home today and catch up on sleep.

I'm a little stressed I got a bill from AT&T and have to go to the store to ask why because I cancelled that transaction.  I called, but they said I have to go to the store.

The new group home sounds promising and little threat socially.  Hopefully, I can get better or something.

I hope I can lower my A1C soon by exercising and at the gym and hopefully with good food at the new group home.

I've been feeling very low sometimes/often lately.  I do think they stopped giving me one of my pills, ran out or something.

I have to have diarrhea it seems at least twice an hour.  I moved from living in Orlando until my parents died for 4 years Up North to the Cleveland, Ohio area, by Lake Erie, one of the Great Lakes.

I visit another group home today, hopefully can move out of the one I'm in to this one.  I feel that should solve all my problems, unless I still feel bad from living here.  Except, it's still in the same area and city, East Cleveland, so it may still be hard to feel good there, for that particular reason.  Overall, I think it will be nice and a nice change.

I have emotional problems, too, but they just keep cycling, to do with being monitored in private...